Just when I thought that the worst insults that could be heaped on our private parts were reserved for those both rich and stupid (think vaginoplasty, labial reduction, and anal bleaching), there were mints to refresh our girly bits, and some women started gluing jewels down there in a crafting trend that would make Martha Stewart blush.
We’ve endured magazine articles about hair down there – how much is too much, how much is too little, and how to groom what we’ve got, and get rid of what we don’t – and we’ve survived the era of the gratuitous douche and feminine hygiene sprays.
Now, in a final misogynistic attack on the center of our collective being, we’re supposed to worry about the color of our cunts.
Yep, there’s a company marketing a powder dye you mix into a paste at home and apply to your genitals in order to give them a rosy, youthful, glow. My New Pink Button (could I even make that up?) says that its “genital cosmetic colorant” will bring back the pink:
This patent pending formula was designed by a female certified Paramedical Esthetician after she discovered her own genital color loss… Now there is a solution!
Results are supposed to last for 24 to 48 hours. Now how can this be, when the longest-wearing lipcolors I’ve tried won’t last through a highball with potato chips and clam dip?
The product is available in four colors: Marilyn (“good for beginners who want a fresh color change”), Bettie (“a sexy hot pink, ‘I am fired up’ look”), Ginger (“ginger-licious!”), and Audry (“the deepest, darkest … bold burgundy pink color. Tonight, it’s Show Time!”).
If you feel you have to visit the Pink Button website, read the Amazon reader comments. They’re priceless. This from a “man” who reports he got his wife some of the dye because:
“although she is a classic let’s just say she wasn’t garage kept… the dye really brought out the original finish. My only comment is that I wish it had that new car smell…”
Don’t you dare spend a cent on this ill-conceived idea. If your pussy isn’t as pink as you’d like, just lay down for for a few minutes and give it a vigorous massage. Like magic – without any powders or dyes – it will be pinker and you’ll feel better about it, I promise. And it will happen just the way the Goddess intended.