Sporting Major Wood


An array of Hardwood Dildos by Hans

I remember a friend telling a story over drinks one night about the time she went home with a woman who had a wooden dildo. The way the story went, when this woman had left her lover for a woman, he carved her a replica of his own cock as a parting gift. My friend was about 10 or 15 years older than me, and I remember shaking my head in wonder at the wild things those hippie girls used to do back in the 70s.

However, if you’re worried about the phthalates in your dildo, you might want to consider investing in a sex toy made of a material as old as the trees.

Hardwood Dildos by Hans offers exactly that. Hans offers a variety of hardwoods in an amazing array of shapes and sizes. He will make custom dildos to order. He guarantees his products to be free of splinters. In fact, each Hardwood Dildo is finished with at least five coats of Salad Bowl Finish, a food grade varnish. They’re lube safe but can’t go in the dishwasher or be boiled, so you’ll want condoms if you plan to share them or use them for anal play. (Note: Not all his designs have a flared base. For safety reasons, never use a toy without a flared base in your butt, or anyone else’s either.)


Hans in his shop

His website features a big page of dildos that have already been sold. Judging by the quantity and variety, I’d say Hans is using his talents to make the world a happier place. But there’s something a little disconcerting about knowing all these dildos are in use somewhere. Odds are, one’s in use as you’re reading this.

Hans’ dildos average $100, and are objects d’art that would look fabulous on a Danish Modern coffee table. What a way to start a conversation at your next party!

If Hans makes Danish Modern dildos, then Jilda is making the Shaker version.

Her wooden dildos, called Jildos, look like folk art, or erotic chair spindles.


They come in a huge variety of shapes, sizes, and woods, and a glance through the website shows average prices to be about $69. Many styles feature hand-carved heads.

Underneath all the organic, homespun goodness, there’s a sense of humor at Jilda’s site. Her company name is WoodPecker’s Roost. And, her website features an dildo lore section that deserves a visit.

But best of all, she’s got a Jildo podcast, complete with an old-timey soundtrack:

For more information about unsafe ingredients in modern sex toys, check out this post: “Going Green ‘Down There’


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